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Many of these 11 things didn't appear on the checklist I had when I was in my 20s. These are 11 things I came up with: Compassion, empathy, a ready smile, an easy laugh -- these traits and actions are disarming in the best sense of the word. Sometimes I remembered how a t-shirt clung to one man's shoulders, or how another held my gaze unabashedly over a glass of wine. But just what, I asked myself, makes a man so sexy you can feel it emanating from him when he walks in the room? Sense of humor -- A man who lacks a sense of humor is like a cold shower on legs. What I've learned is that that kind of "ambition" often masks insecurity, avarice, and aggression, qualities which are not remotely appealing. One benefit to being 52 is that I've finally learned what to look for in a man. A man who radiates quiet confidence, who is able to remain calm and centered in the face of challenges, makes me weak in the knees. Recently someone who follows my Instagram posted this question on one of my photos: Even if a guy is hot, if his version of funny doesn't sync with mine, the sexy won't stay sexy for long. None of these answers seemed to fit. For me, intellect and humor are inseparable bedfellows. I let my mind wander over images of men throughout my life who have made my breath catch, and my skin tingle, just by being in their presence. While they may dazzle in the beginning, womanizers, scoundrels, and narcissists use lies, cheap tricks, and smoke and mirrors for personal gain. If you gave me a choice between bedding Don Draper and Atticus Finch, I'd choose that soft-spoken lawyer any day. A palm reaching through the hole in my jeans to squeeze my knee. Mindfulness -- Not that long ago, I was attracted to men so ambitious that they appeared to be driven by motors. But mostly I reflected on the intangibles -- qualities, values, character traits -- a man must possess so that I want to send plates flying as I crawl across the dinner table and lower myself onto his lap. It's not sexy to sleep with someone who holds back physically or emotionally in bed. It's an ambience distilled from quiet authority, an ability to read my body and my breath, a sensual lingering in the moment that may or may not involve gazing in my eyes, but always requires a desire to be vulnerable and present. This means he can tell you what he wants, when he's afraid, how you make him feel, what he did that he's made amends for, what he's overcome, what brings him to his knees. And the brand of humor is critical. Integrity -- This ingredient separates the boys from the men. I'm talking about internal-fortitude strength. Partnership -- The only place I want to be dominated is in the bedroom, and that still requires my consent.
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